oneemptythought (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} oneemptythought) wrote,@ 2007-03-21 17:50:00 |
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Starting a New Phase...
Life is so different than it once was. I'm doing the best I can to rebuild after this last situation. Everything that once was is not really anymore. Things I believed in, people I trusted, the things I loved, the person I was...it's there but it's tilted on it's axis. It's just that I have to walk different, sit different, talk different, protect myself in a completely different way, not trust people and to cut people out of my life what feels like a lot. Then again, I've gotten fairly close to some amazing people so how am I to complain?
I'm alive. Do you know how crazy that is after what has happened? Really. I'm lucky. I appreciate it and the ability to move on. I feel this horrible guilt inside me that makes me almost sick frequently. I can't do anything to change that except to change my mind about things. Learning more than just being positive and optimistic...being safe is critical to my life now. So is personal control. I never have wanted to control the world or people exactly but I realize that people are much more vulnerable than they have ever been aware of. When you strip away your defenses and what you think you can handle - there's the real awareness of life. You control you, the way you think, walk, talk, act, feel (most of the time) and that's it. You might try to control the space you are in but you never fully have it because there is the safety factor. You have to trust yourself and you have to trust your ability to be safe. That's it. Things happen, chaos is real, and life is nothing but complicated. You just have to roll with it, and as I said, let yourself control only how you react to it. You start to see things for what they are. The right brain starts to take over, so it's important to write and talk and participate in art/music to keep that left side running.
I have the choice to not be bitter, and I'm not. I refuse to be cold, careless, selfish, untrusting, and compassionless. I refuse to lose what makes me the way I am. I just have to be more restricted on who I give my love, loyalty and trust to. I will remain me. There's the difference between being a victim of trauma and being the survivor. I'm surviving. It's a process, and someday...someone will love me for that. Right now I just work on being better each day and keeping myself in a good place.
And this. Writing, I need to keep it up. It's healthy for me.
Life is so different than it once was. I'm doing the best I can to rebuild after this last situation. Everything that once was is not really anymore. Things I believed in, people I trusted, the things I loved, the person I was...it's there but it's tilted on it's axis. It's just that I have to walk different, sit different, talk different, protect myself in a completely different way, not trust people and to cut people out of my life what feels like a lot. Then again, I've gotten fairly close to some amazing people so how am I to complain?
I'm alive. Do you know how crazy that is after what has happened? Really. I'm lucky. I appreciate it and the ability to move on. I feel this horrible guilt inside me that makes me almost sick frequently. I can't do anything to change that except to change my mind about things. Learning more than just being positive and optimistic...being safe is critical to my life now. So is personal control. I never have wanted to control the world or people exactly but I realize that people are much more vulnerable than they have ever been aware of. When you strip away your defenses and what you think you can handle - there's the real awareness of life. You control you, the way you think, walk, talk, act, feel (most of the time) and that's it. You might try to control the space you are in but you never fully have it because there is the safety factor. You have to trust yourself and you have to trust your ability to be safe. That's it. Things happen, chaos is real, and life is nothing but complicated. You just have to roll with it, and as I said, let yourself control only how you react to it. You start to see things for what they are. The right brain starts to take over, so it's important to write and talk and participate in art/music to keep that left side running.
I have the choice to not be bitter, and I'm not. I refuse to be cold, careless, selfish, untrusting, and compassionless. I refuse to lose what makes me the way I am. I just have to be more restricted on who I give my love, loyalty and trust to. I will remain me. There's the difference between being a victim of trauma and being the survivor. I'm surviving. It's a process, and someday...someone will love me for that. Right now I just work on being better each day and keeping myself in a good place.
And this. Writing, I need to keep it up. It's healthy for me.
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