| a great thought |
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| 03:25pm 20/01/2008 |
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Who has never killed an hour? Not casually or without thought, but carefully: a premeditated murder of minutes. The violence comes from a combination of giving up, not caring, and a resignation that getting past it is all you can hope to accomplish. So you kill the hour. You do not work, you do not read, you do not daydream. If you sleep it is not becase you need to sleep. And when at last it is over, there is no evidence: no weapon, no blood, and no body. The only clue might be the shadows beneath your eyes or a terribly thin line near the corner of your mouth indicating something has been suffered, that in the privacy of your life you have lost something and the loss is too empty to share.
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| blah |
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| 03:05am 03/04/2007 |
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He grabs her by the arms from behind, pinning them to her sides, unable to move her elbows. Her fingers and wrist are trying to move but with no elbow to bend, it's useless. Falling to the floor on her knees a small scream escapes her terrified mouth. Did he really just knee me in the back? Am I really not able to do a thing, she wonders. She squirms but the medicine is too much for her. She can hardly keep her eyes open. He says "Yea, you'll like this sweetie." Did he just brush his hand on her face affectionately? Does he really think I'm enjoying this?
I wake in alarm, sitting up and staring around the room. I feel my heart racing and adrenaline shoot through my veins. No one is here. No one is here, I'm in my bed. I had a dream. Through the window the dump truck is moving noisily down the street. It's early, it has to be early. Shit, it's 4:30 a.m. Go back to sleep, I need to sleep.
It's too late. The fan comes on and a paper flutters to the floor and I jump again. Is this how it's going to be forever? Forever fearing a sheet of paper moving from the table to the floor. I need to get up and do something to occupy my time, and yet I have nothing to do. Even the idea of brushing my teeth sounds like torture. I grab up my duvet and pull it to my chin. I am okay. I am alive. Today is a new day. I can't help wishing it was not a new day. I don't want to have to go through another day. No, I would like to just to not wake up, or better yet, not dream.
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| Keane - A Bad Dream |
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| 03:42pm 30/03/2007 |
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it's soothing... Why do I have to fly over every town up and down the line?
I'll die in the clouds above and you that I defend, I do not love
I wake up, it's a bad dream, no one on my side
I was fighting but I just feel too tired to be fighting
Guess I'm not the fighting kind
Where will I meet my fate?
Baby I'm a man and I was born to hate
And when will I meet my end?
In a better time you could be my friend
I wake up, it's a bad dream, no one on my side
I was fighting but I just feel too tired to be fighting
Guess I'm not the fighting kind
Wouldn't mind it if you were by my side
But you're long gone, yes you're long gone now
Where do we go?
I don't even know my strange old face
And I'm thinking about those days
And I'm thinking about those days
I wake up, it's a bad dream, no one on my side
I was fighting but I just feel too tired to be fighting
Guess I'm not the fighting kind
Wouldn't mind it if you were by my side
But you're long gone, yes you're long gone now |
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| I like him like a fat kid likes cake... |
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| 01:51am 30/03/2007 |
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I have had the best tears. I've cried, I've felt, I've released...and I'm happy! It's sooo nice to have someone to share these things with. Even if I think I'm being a bother...even if I worry that I'm not enough or that I'm stupid for caring...lol I feel really pretty with him, I feel like he appreciates my smile...my laugh. My eyes staring, imploring his. This weekend will hopefully clear some things up...make things even more happy than I could have imagined. I'm really pleased. I have so much to do before tomorrow and even more before Saturday. I can't sleep I'm so excited, and yet I keep imagining myself curling up and sleeping in his lap. Me, feeling small and special enough to curl up in someone else's arms. I don't remember the last time I felt this way. I don't want to. This feels different. I feel lucky, and happy. Angel (the dog) loves him. She just met him, after she almost died. Poor baby. She didn't want to stop sitting with him, and that's an obvious adoration. She loves Dave too. lol Davey. He's such a sweetie, of course Angel Pie would love him. He gives her tons of attention. What a great guy! If there were only more of these lovely guys in the world. Then again, we wouldn't appreciate them as much right? :D
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| good, things are good |
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| 01:45am 29/03/2007 |
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I think I seriously could fall, If I'm not already falling. I haven't felt this special or cared for in so long. An hour is not far, I mean, look how much I used to drive for Kevin. It's like, when you're not looking for something really...it smacks you in the face. It's a good thing. It's a very good thing to to feel this way. I don't want to ruin this little cloud I'm floating on. I cried over these painful things tonight and he could have come here. He was going to come. I wouldn't let him. I'm not a bitch, not even that, I'm not going to ruin his schooling. It's important. How is it that I trust so much. Does this count as one of those intuitive moments. I think it is. I think I can trust myself. I really do. Yea. Things are good.
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| Confused, but lucky...lucky to be confused... |
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| 07:18am 28/03/2007 |
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Why does he have to be so nice? Why does he have to be so sweet? Why does he have to be the one that makes me laugh and smile when things make me want to cry? Why does he text and call and write...why does he have to live away? Why do I have to care? Why do I have to wonder what he is thinking, search his eyes, and lie in his arms like if it was the last moment on Earth, it would be fine because I'm adored. Why do I think I'm adored with him? Why don't I know what's going on? I can't wait for the weekend. I can't wait for the weekend at all. Getting my happy on, my hopes to high, and find the most boring of things absolutely fascinating and fun when he is there.
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| Laundry |
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| 11:55pm 27/03/2007 |
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Ok, that list I made before? Yea. Started it. I ended up realizing I wanted every piece of clothing, etc washed. It was really a load or two of laundry, now it's me seriously trying to wash anything and everything. It's obsessive. It's ok, it's making things "cleaner." Now if only I would get around to vaccuming...I hate it. HATE.
My internet was down all fucking day. I finally figured out the problem, thankfully but it was irritating. My friend Adam posted this really beautiful poem by e.e. cummings on his blog today and I love it. I wish I was writing still, or if I was that I could show people. I'm not able to show my own anymore. And never, ever, the published. Never. Not yet.
I guess there isn't much to say tonight. Really. I'm not talking about the "situation" and I'm not talking about "legal stuff" and I'm not talking about the things that are bothering me. I'm not talking about this person I care a lot about, partially for fear of writing it down - it's permanence. Plus, it's likely that I will jinx it or things will not go through. It's one of those right time and place things. I hate those. Have I mentioned how irritating that my life boils down to this sort of redundancy? Yea.
It's putting a damper my ability to say something that is not contrived. I feel as though my words are failing me. Maybe I'm hiding. That's not a maybe. We all KNOW I'm hiding. I'm in my shell right now. It's not even cozy exactly, but my heart is opening again, and people are getting in. Then I realize that I don't want them to. There are males that have freaked me out recently. Really freaked me out, and scared me almost. One is psychotic and the other has some drug/alcohol problems that really really are invasive. The fact that I'm doing better...that I've had my fist simple (yes simple is all I will say) male interaction with my body, er, face is a good step. BUT, I'm still having trouble with all these other people. I'm not sure how to let people in and how far...when to push away and how to tell people to piss off. Without attracting the psychotic stalking, angry, abusive rebuttal.
Now I also realize people read this crap I write. I did not think anyone paid attention and apparently they do. They really do. They meaning not just one and that feels odd. I want to be perfectly honest on here, but I also don't want to shut out the idea of people reading my truth. Sometimes it is much easier for me to write what I'm thinking and feeling down so that I don't have to really say it. Or, maybe that I just don't want to face the critics right now. I don't want a review, good or bad. I just want to be. Yet that's why I'm stuck with this motto, although it's not a motto...it's just a thought that runs permanently through my mind. What once was "I'm failing at life" is now "I'm not participating in life." So by just being, as it were, I'm stifling myself from reaching out and doing something. To touch. To breath. To live. To do more than exist. To effect. I sometimes think it's meaningless because I've already touched the people I'm going to, I've lived through this crap, and there's not much else out there. I don't know that I will ever find someone who wants to share with me, truly. In every way. I haven't had great friends, and now it's clear to me that my life has been one of loneliness with random bits of content. Rather than going through lonely spells, I've gone through content spells, busy spells, loving spells. Funnily enough, I'm content right now, not depressed...just feeling useless to myself and not contributing to life. I "know" that a month ago I was worse and I'm much better, but it feels so slow. I don't wish this upon anyone.
And on that note, I am not a failure. I'm dealing. I just want to hit the fast forward button. I suppose I might miss out on the little victories by doing that, but it would really help with the lack of momentum most weeks are. I need friends. I need friends that I spend time with that don't hurt me or annoy me. I need friends I can call up with and hang out on a week night...my weekends are full all the time.
With that, I bid farewell this evening...
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| sad little story, lol |
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| 10:35pm 26/03/2007 |
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Well not much has happened today. I made a huge list of things I need to do and yet, have I done it? No, of course not. I'm good at failing my own expectations. I need to get it done by this weekend. I don't want to screw up that badly. Anyway...
Trouble with the windows. My protectors might have to come down because of stupid fucking landlords saying it's not as pretty as the other windows. Um, safety is more important right?
There's a couple people in my life that have been making me feel good, or better...unfortunately, neither live close. Unfortunately, the story of my life goes that the people I care about the most live the furthest away. My closest friends have moved or I moved, or we met...and don't live near.
What if I die alone? I probably will...isn't that for most women? Men die first usually. But I mean die alone as in not knowing the love of a family. I could deal with that, as long as I get to play Aunt to all my friends children.
I'm changing my mind what I want to do in my life. I'm not sure what to do about that. That's a conundrum right there...how I wrote that. I just am not sure how to proceed. I want to get out of this town, it's killing me, but if I go...I leave behind - well not much to be frank, but still, it's my little something.
I need to get laid. That's horrible sounding, and I hate saying that. It's just...it's been long enough and I have felt bad enough and survived. It has to be someone I trust. There's like, no options there. There might be one or two, but I don't know. I think I'm just going to have to wait it out. That's what hands and toys are for right? Yea. BLAH.
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| Mistakes |
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| 05:28am 26/03/2007 |
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I'm not sure I want to be saying this but I am falling. Not in a heavy, scary way. It's just a nice slow lean back and fall...I feel content. Even with the mess of life and everything else.
I say the 'gays" tonight and I haven't had so much fun in awhile. I realized I'm lonely here without my friends living close by. I want to move. I do. I'm going to have to anyway, I was never meant to be here permanently.
I just feel like going out and dancing. I think I just downloaded 70+ songs/cds off Itunes. Probably more than that actually. I can't sleep and I love the music. Yup.
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| Mistakes |
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| 02:14am 24/03/2007 |
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I made a mistake last night. I made a mistake, and I am not sure what to do. So instead of worrying about it, since it was a little mistake, I'm going to just move forward. I'm going to put on a pretty face. Er, if that is manageable.
I went shopping today and got things for both John and for Victoria (well Izzy). I have a good lot of fun things to send to John in Iraq and tons of baby goodies for Victoria. I want a baby, lol Oi, well I will wait. I haven't met that guy yet, and frankly, he might not exist. That might be alright. Probably not.
I saw the movie Premonition tonight. It was interesting. I enjoyed it a lot...I enjoyed getting out of the house. I ate at the Fish Market, which was not the best, or worst. All I know is that I need some money soon, and stuff.
Oh, and the big news. I might move to Missouri to an all girls college that would get me grades and all that stuff. That and they'd place me in a school to finish up everything. I'm evaluating it, but I know my mom would love it. It's a strange idea for me to be surrounded by females. That just screams torture to me. lol
Angel ran around, played, rolled on the floor and we yipped at each other. I'm so happy. The medicine is working and she is not feverish anymore that I can tell. She eats and drinks! Yes!
I'm boring right now. I have nothing snazzy to say right now...I am out of juice, it's late. I need the sleep.
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| Disney...what?! |
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| 12:40am 23/03/2007 |
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I love this...thank you Alex (hero) because this seriously makes me happy all the time... |
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| Tegan and Sara - Where Does The Good Go |
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| 08:01pm 21/03/2007 |
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Where did the good go? I don't know. "How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down?" You know who I am talking about, you know what you did, and you know you were a coward and fled. You were scared. You should be more scared now...you're less safe than you were before. Really. Good luck with that... Where do you go, with your broken heart in tow?
What do you do with the left over you?
How do you know, when to let go?
Where does the good go? Where does the good go?
Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive
Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go
Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love
Look me in the heart and unbreak broken
It won't happen
It's love that leaves and breaks
The seal of always thinking you would be
Real happy, and healthy, strong and calm
Where does the good go? Where does the good go?
Where do you go when you're in love, and the world knows?
How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down?
When do you say it's up for grabs and that you're on your way down?
Where does the good go? Where does the good go?
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| Starting a New Phase... |
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| 05:50pm 21/03/2007 |
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Life is so different than it once was. I'm doing the best I can to rebuild after this last situation. Everything that once was is not really anymore. Things I believed in, people I trusted, the things I loved, the person I was...it's there but it's tilted on it's axis. It's just that I have to walk different, sit different, talk different, protect myself in a completely different way, not trust people and to cut people out of my life what feels like a lot. Then again, I've gotten fairly close to some amazing people so how am I to complain?
I'm alive. Do you know how crazy that is after what has happened? Really. I'm lucky. I appreciate it and the ability to move on. I feel this horrible guilt inside me that makes me almost sick frequently. I can't do anything to change that except to change my mind about things. Learning more than just being positive and optimistic...being safe is critical to my life now. So is personal control. I never have wanted to control the world or people exactly but I realize that people are much more vulnerable than they have ever been aware of. When you strip away your defenses and what you think you can handle - there's the real awareness of life. You control you, the way you think, walk, talk, act, feel (most of the time) and that's it. You might try to control the space you are in but you never fully have it because there is the safety factor. You have to trust yourself and you have to trust your ability to be safe. That's it. Things happen, chaos is real, and life is nothing but complicated. You just have to roll with it, and as I said, let yourself control only how you react to it. You start to see things for what they are. The right brain starts to take over, so it's important to write and talk and participate in art/music to keep that left side running.
I have the choice to not be bitter, and I'm not. I refuse to be cold, careless, selfish, untrusting, and compassionless. I refuse to lose what makes me the way I am. I just have to be more restricted on who I give my love, loyalty and trust to. I will remain me. There's the difference between being a victim of trauma and being the survivor. I'm surviving. It's a process, and someday...someone will love me for that. Right now I just work on being better each day and keeping myself in a good place.
And this. Writing, I need to keep it up. It's healthy for me.
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| been a long time |
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| 03:09am 12/10/2006 |
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and I've finally slept. You heard it here first...
Natalie has slept. Booyah! 10 hours! In one night! After a week of 3 hours being fucking amazing, 10...it is just bliss. Please please please think of me this week and hope this lasts. I need all the help/time I can get. Seriously - don't you dare think I'm kidding you. I'm not. SERIOUSLY.
On another note, I'm single again, been single for awhile, and I'm happy with it I guess. I mean, dating is hard work. Dating is gruesome sometimes. Guys start groping or attack you or try to rape you. It's great when you meet a guy that seems harmless...and even then he fucks with you.
Look, I'm not hot, so wtf guys. Stop trying to fuck me.
Ok, on another note - everyone I know's lives are falling apart. I mean it, falling apart. They are all depressed. I'm not, I'm just failing at life because I can't sleep - which above I think I covered how blissful it was to sleep again.
Right...so my dog? Yes, Angel is well. She is snuggled up right now being her adorable self. Who could not love her? huh?
Bedtime. So a couple hours ago. I'm about to head there again...more news every once and awhile, here on Nat's LJ. (Supposed to be read like MTV - overly intense "Here's the news...more news every hour at the end of the hour, here on MTV." Yes, I have to tell you how to read. You know you are all stupid. :D ) |
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| Flu and other shit |
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| 02:16am 25/05/2006 |
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mood:  giddy
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There is one perk to this week of being ill. Yup.
Besides that (heart goes 'thump thump') I have been having the fevers, dealing with the doggie, new roomie(s), unpacking, packing, and trying to be alive. Yup.
Someone please help me sleep. It's bad bad bad for me to be awake right now. And why is it so fucking hot? If I have ANOTHER fever I'm seriously going to break dishes. If you want to watch in delight and horror - call me. Really. I'll put on a show! |
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| yikes |
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| 06:20pm 07/05/2006 |
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| Your Deadly Sins | | Envy: 80% | | Gluttony: 80% | | Greed: 80% | | Sloth: 80% | | Lust: 60% | | Pride: 40% | | Wrath: 20% | | Chance You'll Go to Hell: 63% | | You will die a boring death. While dying, you will be jealous of those who die dramatic deaths. |
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| When all the stars were falling, one fell from above... |
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| 05:29pm 07/05/2006 |
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mood:  indifferent music: Panic! At the Disco - Build God, Then We'll Talk
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Ok, admittedly I haven't been on here in awhile. So here is the news:
1)I broke up with Kevin Dewayne Wright on April 15th, or the 14th. I wasn't intending to do it that day. I just wanted to talk to him about shit, about how it's not working and we're miserbale. But nooo...I broke up with him. And he hugged me and basically fucking THANKED me for doing what he didn't have the balls to. He laughted and smiled and was so fucking happy I was like "was he being mean to me to try to get me to break up with him?!"
2) I met a cool guy online. He's becoming a grrrrreat friend. His name is Alex and he makes me laugh. He's going to come meet me and Anne...yup.
3) Anne and I went to a strip club, um, I think called the Furnace? Yup. We got there and walking in there was a handicapped parking space with an SUV who's license plate was "MR NUT" GREAT. ha ha We had a blast, I think we made out a lil more than we realized. We were drunk ::shrugs shoulders:: and apparently Jay heard us make noises in the back seat on the way home, which btw, I have no recollection of. And Anne peed in front of a Walmart. And there was this girl named Ashton that kissed me. Oh! And some older UAB professor gave us money to get dances...wait, and there was this balcony and guys were throwing money down on us and the stripper...lmao It was a b-day present from Jay, who was a BADASS and paid the HUGE bill. I owe him.
4) Ok, so school. BLECH. Not doing well, can't get ahold of professors, etc. So I had to drop 2 and extend 2. I hate that. But that's life right? Shit happens. Kind of like when that bird flew over me in Italy and shit down my hair/back. Yup. Then I sat in some...twice. YIKES!
5) Moving. Yes, me! My mother has changed her mind every other day. Yes you can, no you can't, maybe you can but not until you do blah blah blah, and not unless you're perfect, and not unless you can do this, and not if you do that, and maybe I wont let you because you're a disappointment and you annoy me. She wants me out too, she just doesn't like not having the control. I have to put up with it to get my school paid for and it's bumming me out.
6) Um, yea. Move in date is now May 15th. Yup. So, next Monday. Wow. If she'll effing sign the lease already. And call the movers. I've signed up my power and water, etc already. I'm FUCKING moving. Somehow. Did I mention I'm only 2 miles down the road from her? ::sigh:: It's ok, it's going to be beautiful if I can ever get in it.
7) Ok back to Kevin. I've been depressed this week. I don't know. Intensely lonely. I need more friends to keep me occupied. I really do love him. Really. He's my best friend. I miss him, I think it's too soon for him to hang out. And that's ok, I just want to keep in contact because he is going to be my best friend forever dammit.
8) Crystal! I almost forgot. She's my newest best friend in Birmingham. She is cute, funny, pretty - wait, I'm not interested btw. She has a bf she's living with. She is a good time, and she understands my shopping. Well, she understands a lot. She nice, and she was kind to my doggie when he was sick.
9) Doggie sick. Teddy had bronchitis because my mom let a cold go to far and she went out of town. Yes it's every other week she's gone now. Anyway, we went to doggie hospitol and got medicines. He's clung to me since then, even now that they are home, and the move will be hard because I am taking Angel with me, and feel bad he can't come too. :(
10) BEST NEWS EVER! This Thursday, May 11th, Anne M. Rose, my bestest girlfriend ever, is graduating from Auburn University! She is graduating as a chemical engineer, with focus in pre-medicine. She has been accepted to med schools, and chose the one in Lousiville, KY. I'm so PROUD. This girl has come so far, you wouldn't believe it. Well, you might. Anyway, I'm going and plan to try not to cry. She's going to med-school in August, and um, can you say ROAD TRIP? Because that's all I'm ever going to do now. LMAO. "Hello Louisville, it's me again." No really, I'll have to see my girl.
That's enough for now...more later...I'll try to keep more updated. |
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| ohhhhhhhhhhh...sigh. |
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| 05:08pm 27/02/2006 |
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mood:  chipper music: Murder By Death - That Crown Don't Make You A Prince
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If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine
I seem to you to seek a new disaster every day
You deem me due to clean my view and be at piece and lay
I mean to prove I mean to move in my own way, and say,
I've been getting along for long before you came into the play
....
Do I so worry you, you need to hurry to my side?
It's very kind
But it's to no avail; I don't want the bail
I promise you, everything will be just fine
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I'm having a good moment here. I'm strong. I am resiliant. I am in control of my future. I have a path. I'm dealing. My life is coming together in this messy time. And I make a mean mocha, latte, and caramel macchiato. BE IMPRESSED. Yummmmmmm. |
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oneemptythought's journal
naughty
